Random Musings

The monsters inside my head

This Halloween, people are talking about ghosts, ghouls, witches… all that spooky stuff! So, let me tell you about the monsters that live inside my head…

Depression and Anxiety feed on my mind and soul. They feed on me whenever they feel like it. When they’re there, I lose myself and they control me. My world turns black and white and my days are dreary.

They’d trap me in my own thoughts and these thoughts are poisoning me. I do try and laugh or joke with people on those days but after that, it’s just… nothing. This inner voice would keep on taunting me and this leads to apathy and self-loathing. 

I’m not an artist but this is how I imagine what depression looks like. Source: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/AV95e

Some days, I just don’t want to get up. I lose interest in all the things that I used to love. In my mind, I make plans about all the things that I wanted to accomplish but at the end of the day, I just end up lying in bed doing nothing. That’s when I start to hate myself for not being productive. The next day, the cycle goes on.

I may or may not want to talk to people when the monsters are there. I always hesitate to share how I feel, fearing that I’d be told that I’m just overreacting, just making excuses, seeking attention or worse, I’d be ignored. This even includes my husband sometimes and I end up bottling it all inside me. The others, I just ignore like I don’t care anymore – even family. If that’s the case, I am sorry to those people.

The monsters sometimes stay for a while, but they are unpredictable. Sometimes they love being there for days, weeks, or months. They visit with no notice, they just appear out of the blue. However, when they’re gone, they are never really gone. I can always feel them at the back of my head. 

Yes, it’s all in my head!

Some people say, what I feel is all in my head. Yes, they are that’s why they are called “mental disorders”. Duh. In the Philippines, it’s difficult to have mental health problems because people are not yet very educated about this. Usually, they blame it to “lack of faith”, hormones, attention-seeking or you’re just plain crazy to them.

I have experienced depression caused by other factors before like financial strain, being jobless, etc. If that is the case, well, at least something is causing it and there are solutions to resolve it! However, most days, the monsters just visit me out of the blue. It’s frustrating because there’s no “cause” as to why I feel this way all of the sudden.

I actually forgot when the monsters started to visit. I think it was during my teenage years. Looking back, I thought it was just teenage hormones but obviously, they continued to manifest into my adulthood. I read the post I’ve written in 2016 where I shared the books I’ve read that got into me, and I realised it was mostly about depression. So yeah, the monster gang and I go way back. Lol.

“To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Reading that blog post, it reminded me of The Bell Jar again. I could relate much to Esther. I feel the same when she said she thought that she was good at many things but realised she’s inadequate after all. In the end, she lived, but she knew the bell jar would descend again.

Why am I sharing this? I don’t know. Just let the “crazy lady” write about how she feels. And that folks, is the story about the monsters inside my head. Unfortunately, they are not found under my bed.

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